Whoever first said, “two under two is the hardest stage” clearly never had a three-year-old and a five-year-old. Because let me tell you—this is the golden age of not listening.

My two youngest kids are two years apart, and I used to think that was going to be great: built-in playmates, same toys, same TV shows, one bedtime routine. Easy, right? Wrong. It turns out, it’s like raising a tiny frat house where no one respects authority and every conversation is a group project that ends in chaos.

Example A:

Me: “Time to put on shoes.”

3-year-old: falls to the ground like I just asked him to hike Mount Everest barefoot.

5-year-old: asks for a snack, then pretends not to hear me while staring at the ceiling.

Shoes remain off.

Example B:

Me: “Okay, let’s clean up these blocks.”

3-year-old: sprints in the opposite direction yelling, “I’m a dinosaur!”

5-year-old: sits on the couch and says, “I didn’t even play with those,” as if this argument makes the mess magically disappear.

Blocks remain on floor.

How do you make them listen?

Honestly, I have no idea. I’ve tried:

• The calm teacher voice. (Ignored.)

• The fun sing-song voice. (Laughed at.)

• The countdown. (They wait until one and then sprint faster in the opposite direction.)

• Bribery. (Works 50% of the time, but only if the snack is better than whatever chaos they’re currently creating.)

At this point, I’ve accepted that my kids don’t actually not hear me—they hear me perfectly. They’re just conducting a long-term social experiment to see how many times they can push me to repeat myself before I combust.

And the wild part? As much as they drive me absolutely bananas, these two are thick as thieves. They don’t listen to me, but they sure listen to each other. Which is why when one whispers “Let’s dump out every single bin of toys,” the other is already halfway there, ready to assist.

So how do I get through it? Coffee. Humor. And reminding myself that one day, when they’re older, I’ll miss these tiny tornadoes who never listen. I felt like I was a seasoned parent already having been through this not listening phase twice, but boy was I wrong. 

Until then, I’ll just ignore the judging eyes as they don’t listen to a word I say in public, in our house, and I’m pretty sure in their sleep as well. 😴