I think the hardest part right now is the waiting.

Waiting for bloodwork.

Waiting for tests.

Waiting for doctor appointments.

Waiting for answers.

Waiting for surgery.

And somehow still having to live a completely normal life in between all of it.

Some days I feel like shit.

There. I said it.

I’m tired. I don’t feel good. I cry. I get frustrated. I have days where I just want to crawl into bed and not deal with any of it.

And then my alarm goes off.

Mom life starts.

Kids need breakfast. Someone can’t find their shoes. Someone forgot something for school. There’s homework. There are practices. There are games.

And then I go to work and I’m Mrs. Wertman.

I teach my kids.

I smile.

I laugh.

I answer questions.

I do all the normal teacher things.

And nobody looking at me would probably know that in the back of my mind I’m thinking about bloodwork, cortisol, doctors, surgery, recovery and everything else that comes with having Cushing’s.

That’s the weird part.

Life doesn’t stop because something is wrong with you.

The world keeps moving.

My kids still need me.

My students still need me.

My husband still needs me.

The laundry is still there.

Dinner still needs to happen.

The dogs still need to be fed.

And somehow I’m supposed to keep doing all of it while trying to figure out what is happening with my own body.

I’ve cried in the car.

I’ve cried at home.

I’ve cried after appointments.

I’ve cried because I’m scared.

I’ve cried because I’m overwhelmed.

I’ve cried because I’m tired of having to explain how I feel.

And sometimes I’ve cried simply because I don’t know what else to do.

Then I wipe my face and keep going.

Because that’s what moms do, right?

We keep going.

Even when we don’t feel like it.

Even when we’re exhausted.

Even when we’re scared.

But I’m learning that just because I can keep going doesn’t mean I have to pretend everything is fine.

It isn’t.

I’m going through something.

And some days are harder than others.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that there is a tumor on my pituitary gland and that my body has been dealing with something I didn’t even know was happening.

I’m still trying to understand what comes next.

And now there’s a surgery date sitting on the calendar.

That’s a whole different kind of real.

So right now I’m somewhere in the middle.

Not at the beginning anymore.

Not at the end.

Just…

waiting.

Waiting for surgery.

Waiting to see how I feel.

Waiting to see what changes.

Waiting to see what life looks like after this.

And while I’m waiting, I’m still going to be a mom.

I’m still going to be a wife.

I’m still going to be a teacher.

I’m still going to show up for my kids.

I’m still going to laugh.

I’m still going to make memories.

I’m still going to complain about homework and laundry and the million things that need to get done.

I’m going to live my life.

Even on the days when I feel like shit.

Maybe that’s what this part of the journey is teaching me.

That I don’t have to have it all figured out.

I don’t have to be positive all the time.

I don’t have to make this look pretty.

Sometimes this journey is bloodwork, doctor’s offices, tears, exhaustion and pretending you’re fine long enough to get through the day.

And that’s okay too.

So here I am.

Still waiting.

Still figuring it out.

Still showing up.

Still trying to be me while my body is going through something I never expected.

And somewhere in all of this…

I’m still finding my wings. 🦋